Shocked.

Hello.
I know, such a long time for me didn't spend more time to write new posting about life lately. Yeah, it's because, no time for it (seriously, I'm not being lebay or something, but this 7th-semester-college-life is super crazy, too much tears to hold, too much whines to say, and a bullshit love story to tell :p). But, here I am.
It's 1.27 am in the morning, and I just finished reading 2 journals about cardiac diseases, just fyi I took cardiovascular disease for my graduation paper wkwk skripsi I mean. And next week, I should finish chapter 2 (which is... I just did about 2.5% progress, I know it's crazy, but don't worry I will finish it in time) and one more, I should present it to my lecturer. So, wish me luck people! I'll give my best and kick some butts MUHAHA.
So, well enough with silly opening I just wrote.
Here is why I want to write and stay awake in the middle of the night. Yesterday, I got the most shocking news ever in the end of the year, in December. I always love December because new year will come and new chapter of my life will begun and more adventure to explore. But, not for this year I guess. I lost many people, like seriously lots of people that I care the most.
I broke up with a guy few days after Ied Fitr because mom asked me to end it because of well A REASON. A wall between us that can't break.
And now, I lost someone, my one and only, BFFAAF.
And I lost others.
He is such a good friend. Well, not only good but he is great and one of the best. His life just got really fucked up, really messy, and he can't control it until he got depressed.......and needs to go to therapist. I feel so stupid I let him go to therapist. I feel so-much-guilty that I can't be there, help him to go through the hell of life and support him. Where the hell am I???
He didn't contact me for a week. I guess he was dead.
I texted him many times, even it costed me much money because he lives in Europe. I called him. I sent him an e-mail. But still no reply.... until yesterday.
He said, please stop contacting in any possible way, I moved and I am in therapy, therapist told me I need a 100% new start and break with everything/one from my past. Sorry.
At that time, I just woke up from my nap and I cried right away.
I don't know what should I do and I can't accept it if he will no longer exists in my future.
If one of you sees me right now, you will see my swollen eyes I got on my face.
Oh God... I hope next year I will no longer lose any more people. I want to be happy like everyone does. I'm sorry if I'm so busy with stuffs and that's why I can't talk to you longer like we did before. I'm sorry I ignored you (maybe, even I didn't mean to).
I'm broken into pieces now but I don't want you to know it because I want you to be okay to be someone that I knew for 19 months. This 19th of December will be our 19th months being BFFAAFs.  But I don't know if we can talk at our special day. I will be home too on 19th.
I hope one day, I will see you on the bridge like our promise. See you.

Your Pandhea xoxo

Stop Being a Drama Queen. Lesson Learned.

Hi.

Today, I got a nice learning. Learning about life.
Learning how to be a girl who enjoys her life. To enjoy what she got. To feel enough with everything around her. To feel fulfill with life. To be a nice and kind girl. To stop being afraid of something. To stop worrying. To stop  thinking too much. To stop whining. Stop being a wuss. And to stop being a drama queen.

Someone told me today, about me who is always being a drama queen. He was a nice friend of mine. We knew each other for more than a year. Yeah not a short time to know each other. And also today, I lost him. I lost him (again). And I'm not sure, if we can back being as friends again. Oh not friends. BFAAFs to be exact. I don't know. I'm not sure.

He is gone. He was angry and upset. He even said bad words to me. Words that hurt my soul. Because no one ever said those words to me before. He also threw everything on me. All off my faults. Without warnings. I just sit myself looking at my phone and started crying. Yeah, I always cry. It's what i can do. I don't know what to do at that time. It's my weakness.

I just can't believe it he would say those words. I was wrong I know, but he also crossed the line. Pfft, complicated. Okay.. I don't know what to say anymore. He was a patient guy I knew. He was always kind.... but now, he is gone.
.....
.....
.....
Ah okay. I think I should learn how to let go too.
There is no good bye without a hello at first. We had our hello long time ago. And now, here is our good bye.
Until we say our next hello in the future then, if we got a chance.

It's always nice to know you. 

YOU

“Hello to you”, that’s what you always said to me to start our conversation.

You with your magical smile which can makes everything seems easier to me.

You with your endless support for me. I’m thankful for that.

You with your bunch of works to do  but you still have time to always be there for me. I can see sometimes when you are tired, but yeah, you are here.

You with all of surprises that makes me happy. Oh not only happy, but I feel lucky, I have you.

You are mean a lot to me. I hope you know that.

The way you care to me, it’s one of the most precious thing in this world.

I love you.

P.S: I’m sorry my english sucks and I’m not good with expressing my feelings with writing. But, I hope you are happy to read this one. It’s special for you. Yes, you.